I start work again tomorrow. When I talked about my 10 weeks of maternity leave, it sounded so long. I thought for sure that I would be very ready to go back to work at the end of it; that I would have gotten bored staying home all day with a baby. But I discovered that when it’s YOUR baby it’s different. I love being home with James. He’s so sweet, and I love to just watch him and hold him. I think about how much I will be missing when I go back to work and it breaks my heart. He is doing more and more. Finally discovering his hands, and grabbing on to things purposefully. He smiles, and is on the verge of laughing. He loves to look you in the eye, and he will “pet” a soft blanket or his own clothes when he’s tired.

Tomorrow I will drop him off with a stranger. Sure, I’ve met her, and we’ve talked several times and I’m comfortable that she’ll do a good job as a day care provider, but she’s still a stranger. And instead of getting to feed my baby face to face, I’ll be pumping milk in an empty office. It will make our time in the evenings more precious; those few hours before he goes to sleep for the night. I will finally know how Ryan has felt these past couple months.

Thankfully, Ryan uploaded a couple videos to YouTube of James just hanging out in his pack-n-play. I will be able to watch them when I just need to see and hear him for a moment. And as soon as work is done I will be racing to be with him again.