Loss

It would have been due in December. This life that I can feel leaving my body as I write this. All the hopes and dreams and worries and everything. Flowing out of me, with no way to save it.
Having a miscarriage is bad enough, but to add insult to injury my body has decided to make it official on a night where we have no water. Fuck you, body.
Will I be able to have more children? Probably. Am I “lucky” it happened now and not later? Sure. But none of that makes this feel better.
I always thought I would want to talk about it with people if I went through something like this. I like to talk about everything.  But this makes me wish no one knew. Now I have to tell them I’m no longer pregnant. It isn’t many people, but I still don’t want to have the conversation. I just want to hide.
I’ve tried to make myself feel better. It’s meant to be. It’s God’s plan. Now we have more time to save for maternity leave. I tell myself that I can drink the bottle of wine in the cupboard. That Ryan and I will go somewhere as a consolation for not getting a baby. But it doesn’t help. All I want is for this not to be happening.
I’m writing this from my phone at 1:30am, because I can’t fall asleep. I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to act like nothing is wrong. I try not to cry at home because it is understandably upsetting to James.  “Stop crying, Mama,” he says. “Mama sad.” Yes, baby, mama is sad.

I know that these powerful feelings will fade. That in a day or a week or a month it won’t be so raw. But right now it sucks.

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I’m publishing this because while I don’t want to talk about it right now, I also don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I share happy news and stuff here, but I also need to share the sad.

 

 

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This was written a few weeks ago. I’m doing much better now, although it still sucks. To put it lightly.

Knees and Things

My knee still hurts. A lot. I had Ryan pick me up a brace at Target yesterday, and that helped a little with walking around the office. That’s about all I can do for walking though. I tried going to the YMCA on Tuesday (or maybe Wednesday?). It’s only 2 blocks from my office, so I thought it would be ok. I went, did some gentle riding on a stationary bike and some stretching, and then walked back to work. And my knee hurt worse than before I went. The bike riding and stretching were ok, but the walking there and back were not good. Since then, I have talked to a friend who is a physicians’ assistant and used to work in sports medicine. He advised doing some leg strengthening exercises, not stretching, and avoiding ibuprofen. Apparently you want your body to do its thing re: heating up while repairing itself. Which makes sense. So I’ve been taking tylenol and staying off my leg as much as possible (he said to avoid doing things that hurt, and walking at all hurts). I plan on doing the leg exercises when my knee stops hurting so much.

 

I feel like a wimp. So many people run and don’t have problems like this, and I wasn’t running that hard. I feel like it’s ridiculous that I am in this much pain for this long. That people probably think I’m either faking it or making it seem worse than it is. I hate that idea. I want to be better.

 

My other knee and back have started to bother me a little because of how I’m compensating for my left knee. I’m not really sure what to do about that other than try to maintain good posture and stay off my knee. Wearing the brace seems to help some too, as I don’t limp as badly.

 

Anyway, sorry for dumping all of this. I said earlier today, someone needs to start an email address where you can send all your whiney messages and they just get trashed. I can’t email myself because I know that I’m just talking to myself. It doesn’t work. And I don’t want to direct this whining toward anyone who would feel obligated to read what I say. So I’m dumping it here instead.

 

Other than that, there isn’t much going on around here. I’ve been rendered lame, and Ryan’s been taking care of me and James. Good thing we have him around here. James is being a typical 18 month old (it still boggles my mind that he’s that old already). He is alternately adorable, hysterical, and immensely frustrating. Sometimes he is all 3 at once.

 

On a closing note, what is with all the mosquitoes in our house this summer? We’ve never had this problem before, and they are positively annoying. Ryan thinks they might be coming in where the air conditioner is attached. Wherever they are coming in, it’ll be closed up soon enough. The evenings are getting cooler and the daytime temps are coming down, slowly but surely. Fall is coming. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about that. On the one hand, football, chili, hot cider, pretty leaves, snuggling under blankets. On the other hand, end of camping weather (for me, anyway), less amenable weather to being outside with a toddler, and daylight is leaking away.

Plans

Temerity Jane (Kelly) recently wrote about her plans for birth and post-birth treatment of her baby, and how she feels about the plans. Her “this would be nice, if it could happen this way,” (instead of a birth plan) is pretty laid back, but she is pretty set about how she wants her baby treated post-birth. As I read her entry emotions (and tears) were welling up inside of me.

When I was pregnant with James I had many of the same wants as Kelly. I had a more formal birth plan, but I went into it KNOWING that there are things that happen during labor that you can’t control, and trying to be open to going with the flow. But when it came to how I wanted James to be cared for after he was born, both Ryan and I were set. We didn’t want him to get the eye goop, we didn’t want the Hep B vaccine right away, we didn’t want him to have formula or a pacifier. I wanted to breast feed him right away, and spend time holding him before they took him to clean him off. We wanted him to stay with us in our room most of the time.

Even writing that out is making the tears well up. To say things didn’t go according to plan would be a big understatement. And it’s not that I had a bad hospital experience, even. I really liked my nurses; I had great access to lactation consultants, and because I had a c-section we were in the hospital longer than normal and so I could see them for a longer time-period.

But that c-section. That was the biggest thing that didn’t go my way. Even though at the time I was actually relieved when they suggested it, and even though I still think that’s what it had to come down to, I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself, because my body couldn’t do what it was supposed to; disappointed in myself for not doing enough to get the baby moving; disappointed in my doctor (who I like otherwise) for not allowing me to try pushing while using the squat bar when it was becoming apparent things weren’t working and Ryan asked about it (Because, she said, she would basically have to sit on the floor. Well, excuse me. I’m sorry that you might have to sit on the floor so that I don’t have to get my stomach cut open, have drugs pumped into me that I had so far gone without (by choice), and miss the first couple hours of my son’s life). As you can see, I’m still a little lot bitter. I was a good patient; I walked the halls, let them put an IV in my hand just in case, and tried everything the nurses suggested for laboring. The only thing I really balked at was when they wanted to hook up a pitocin drip (at the very end, as a last resort). I was so close, and I knew the reputation it had of making labor unbearably hard. I didn’t want it. But my mom helped convince me that it was my last shot at having the baby without surgery, and I still think she was right. It’s too bad it didn’t work out that way, but it was worth a shot. Oh, and they are right. That not only ramped up the frequency of my contractions (there wasn’t a break any more), it made them REALLY painful. Not that they didn’t hurt before, but this was crazy.

After James was born, they let Ryan cut the cord (as much as you can when he was born via surgery), and I got to see him before they took him upstairs and I was glued back up and put in the recovery room. But I had to stay in recovery until the anesthesia wore off, and it took longer than expected. When I finally got to see and hold James he was already an hour or two old, and I couldn’t sit up at all. I had planned on him staying in our room with us pretty much all the time, but since I couldn’t even get out of bed that first night and morning, they took him to the nursery and brought him back when he was hungry. When the nurses started to say he was losing too much weight I was worried. They suggested supplementing with formula after nursing and pumping (they had me pumping after nursing before I even left the hospital, and for a week or two after). Just a tiny bit, and from a little rubber cup instead of a bottle, but I still felt like a failure. One day when Ryan and I brought him to the nursery at bed time (they had convinced us it was better for us to get sleep when we could…we were so easily persuaded) the nurse asked if they could give him a pacifier. I said no right away, and she started to tell me that it was really for our benefit; that he was very oral and it would help so that I could get some sleep instead of having to nurse him all the time (the night before he had nursed for 2 hours straight at one point). I was already so worried about everything else that we had done or had to do that was going to make breastfeeding harder, and everything you read says that you shouldn’t give your baby a pacifier in the hospital if you want to breastfeed. I was also still exhausted from the surgery and the long labor. I started freaking out. Ryan calmed me, and told me that it wouldn’t be a big deal. We let them give him a pacifier. It ended up being ok, but I sometimes wonder if breastfeeding would have been easier for me at the beginning if I hadn’t done any one of these things. Many of them I didn’t have a choice about (the c-section, in particular – he was definitely stuck), but some I did. And some I still don’t know if I had a choice or not (the supplemental feeding).

In the end we had a healthy baby, even if he did lose “too much” weight at first. From what I read that is pretty normal for big babies; it takes more calories to sustain that higher weight, and so they tend to lose a little more of it, percentage-wise. But to listen to the nurses talk he was wasting away. I cried more about that than anything those first couple weeks, even though his diapers were always great and he was never jaundiced. He is still breastfeeding, and I eventually healed from the surgery. Everything “worked out.” Except my emotions about how it happened. And now, every time I hear about someone giving birth, whether it is the birth of their dreams or a nightmare, it brings all those feelings to the surface. And I wonder how things will go next time. The OB that did my surgery (not my regular doctor) says that I can “try” for a vaginal birth next time, but that I’ll probably have to have another c-section. My doctor said that I could try for a vaginal delivery, but that she couldn’t be there for it (she’s a family practitioner, and doesn’t have the insurance the hospital requires for that kind of a delivery), and she sounded pretty dubious as to whether or not it would work. I’m inclined to disagree with them. I know they are the medical professionals and I’m not, but I just don’t feel like that is the case. James was facing an awkward direction and wasn’t as far down in the birth canal as they would have liked to begin with. If those things don’t happen with my next one, I’m confident I can do this the “natural” way. It would also help if it didn’t take 3 days of labor to get to the pushing part.

I really truly hope that TJ’s birth and post-birth go as she wants. I think they SHOULD go as the mother (and father) want, within reason, obviously. I hope she has the courage to stand up to people who try to tell her things that she knows are just scare tactics. And above all of that, I hope she doesn’t have to worry about it. That things just go smoothly and that no one even tries to put those pressures on her. I think she’s right, in that many people worry about being taken seriously. We all feel like the doctors are the authority, and if they say something different from what we wanted it seems like they are basically saying we are wrong. But doctors are not infallible, no matter what they would like you to believe.

Why is it

Every time I go on vacation I get sick? Last year  when we went out east I got the worst cold EVER, and couldn’t take anything because I was pregnant. This year we went on the cruise, and I now have some sort of stuffy nose, sore throat, coughing thing going on that seems to be getting worse instead of better. The pharmacist recommended taking zyrtec or claritin, so I’m trying the zyrtec. Hopefully it helps. Last night I woke up because of the baby & couldn’t talk. It was terrible. I’ve been downing water & took a couple vitamin c drops…hopefully this all works.

More photos & descriptions of our cruise coming soon.

Cravaack? Crap.

It appears that Chip Cravaack has won the 8th Congressional District race in Minnesota. I voted for Oberstar, which will come as no surprise to those of you that know me in real life. I do not lean republican, even a little bit. But now that he’s won I figured I would go to his website and see what we are in for. And it is not good. It’s the standard tea party line, for the most part. Lower taxes will bring more business will create more jobs (not true, but they continue to say it anyway). Illegal immigrants are ruining our lives (riiiiiight). Health care in the USA is “the most innovative and patient-oriented healthcare system in the world.” Give me a f*ing break. If healthcare in the USA was patient-oriented, there wouldn’t be hundreds of thousands of people going without healthcare. There wouldn’t be families facing financial ruin because they couldn’t afford insurance premiums and now they can’t afford a huge hospital bill. And there wouldn’t be people refusing to get preventative care because they can’t afford it, and instead waiting until it’s an emergency and then showing up at the ER, where they HAVE to treat you, whether you can pay or not.

Perhaps my favorite part of the whole thing is how he talks about how “we have to stop spending money we do not have. It will be the demise of our country,” which is all well and good. I don’t have a problem with the concept of spending within your means. Except that he doesn’t seem to favor raising taxes or removing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, which is what is going to need to be done if we actually want a balanced budget. You cannot just cut, cut, cut programs in order to balance a budget. You need to bring more money in. Especially if you would like to keep schools and other public services running. Unless you expect teachers to start working for free. Maybe that’s his grand plan. Who knows.

So yah…I’m a bit disappointed this morning, and I feel like a lot of people vote the party line without thinking of the ramifications of what they are essentially saying. It is frustrating. But, that’s the way democracy works. Everyone gets a say; whether they know what they are saying or not.

Hey, winter, what’re you doing here so early?

I had to drive Ryan up, over the hill this morning (he had to be at the meeting place at 6:30…we made it by 6:50, which is pretty good for us these days; especially in the morning). When I went out to the car, it was raining/snowing some, but nothing was sticking. When I got up by the University (about half-way up the hill), it was sticking a little. When I got up near the meeting place it was a full-fledged snowstorm, with inability to see what lane I was in, slippery roads, and plows out. Like this, only less pretty and more dangerous:

Photo from the Duluth News Tribune website.

The Duluth Public Schools are closed (“Pansies,” Ryan called them). Several other schools in the area have late starts.

 I am not ready for winter. I am especially not ready for 5 inches of snow. Thankfully, by the time I left for work it had turned entirely into rain down by my house, and so I don’t have to look at it (I also work at the bottom of the hill).  Hopefully this is a freak storm, and we will have warm days again before winter really arrives.

Have you seen my brain?

Ryan just told me that we short-changed our daycare person by a day, because apparently I can’t keep track of when we are bringing our son to his house. In my defense, we bring him there 3 days a week and somewhere else 2 days a week, and we recently switched which days we bring him each place. But still. I feel awful that we forgot; like he thinks that we did it intentionally (I’m sure he doesn’t think that, but I still worry). It’s worse, somehow, because he is a dear friend of ours. I don’t want him to think we are trying to take advantage of him. We aren’t; I just can’t keep track of ANYTHING lately.

I feel like my brain is in a permanent fog these days. I don’t know why, or how to fix it. I would love some time off – I think that would help, and so I’m looking forward to our vacation next month. But I wish I didn’t have to feel like that. I never used to. Before I had a baby I could work all the time and not get mentally exhausted. It wouldn’t phase me at all. Feeling like this is hard on me emotionally. I feel like I’m no good if I can’t keep up with things as simple as how much to pay the daycare person and what I need to do at work today. I’m useless lately without a list, and I hate it.

I wish I could take even a day off, but EVERYONE is gone lately (out of our office of 12, 3 are gone today – all Commercial Lines (my department)), and as I mentioned I’ll be taking a week off in less than a month, so this isn’t a good time to be gone. Plus, I don’t want to use up my vacation days. They have to last me until March, and I only have a week left (after our vacation, of course).

Any tips on increasing my brain power without taking time off work? I take a prenatal vitamin still, since I’m breastfeeding James, so I don’t know if more vitamins are the answer or not. More sleep would probably help, but if you can get James to understand that waking up at 2, 3 and/or 4 am is not conducive to a positive mommy mental state, please; have at it.

In the meantime, I’ll be writing another check while apologizing, adding who has James on which days to my Google calendar, and trying to get a handle on my other  to-do lists.

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

First of all; I am SO excited about the Rocky Horror episode of Glee that I can hardly stand it. I love Rocky Horror Picture Show. We just watched this week’s Glee episode, and they had a preview for the Rocky Horror episode, and I was squeeing at Ryan. He thinks I’m insane (as usual).

Now, back to our regular programming:

This is difficult for me. I might be “a crier,” but it actually takes quite a bit to really hurt me. I’ve been thinking about it for a week and am still having a hard time thinking of someone (especially someone that I would feel ok writing about on here – meaning either I could write it so it is truly anonymous or they don’t read the blog). In the end, I decided to write to a group of people. They haven’t hurt me in a personal way, but I believe they have and are hurting all of us.

Dear Liars,

Why do you lie? Why do you think that people won’t find out you are lying? People ALWAYS find out. Always. It might not be today or tomorrow, but eventually someone is going to figure out you are lying, and I hope they call you on it. And I hope that you have the decency to admit to it, but considering you lied in the first place that is doubtful.

Lying is one of the things that I will never, ever understand. When the media does it, repeatedly, and no one calls them on it…I just…what kind of society is that building? Not one I’m proud to be a part of, that’s for sure. Would it be so terrible for people to vote/like/not vote/not like someone based on their actual attributes, instead of the crazy exaggerations and lies that they are portrayed with? And personally…if you care about someone, why would you lie to them? And if it’s not a big deal, then why do you need to lie at all? I just don’t get it.

I am not trying to imply that I’ve never lied. Of course I have. And I’m sorry to the people I lied to. I know that sometimes people get caught up in the moment; they are worried about the reaction the truth would cause. But as I said before; the truth always comes out in the end. And if someone finds out not only that you did something they don’t like, but that you also lied about it…well, that’s just adding insult to injury, as they say.

So, liars, knock it off already.

Truthfully yours,

Becky

What is going on?

I scheduled a new post to go up at 8am. WordPress says it’s there, and when I click “view post” from the editing screen, I can see it. But it’s not on the home page of the blog. Am I missing something obvious here? It’s set to Public viewing…I don’t know what else to check.

Suggestions?

Research, people, research

Someone posted on facebook today, “My mom’s dentist said that if the government hadn’t bailed out companies that ran themselves to the ground and gave the money to the regular people instead, every PERSON (not family, PERSON) would have received just over $400,000 in bailout money. Any thoughts on that?” I’m reminded of a cartoon I saw just yesterday, where a character is on the computer, and someone off-screen asks, “Are you coming to bed?” The character says, “No. This is important….someone on the internet is WRONG.” I know I’ve seen it before, but I’m reminded yet again.

I know that we can’t correct every erroneous statement on the internet. But when you ask what I think about something that is so obviously flawed I’m going to tell you. I thought I was being pretty kind by just posting the link to the Snopes.com article discussing how wrong this is (it would be more like $430 per person…before they took out the fees and stuff for the cost of getting that money to “everyone”), and then saying “Too bad your mom’s dentist doesn’t research things before he/she spreads rumors.” And the fact that that amount of money is completely wrong is just the tip of the iceberg in this problem. I wish people would think things through. Look at me, being all unique and annoyed at the innacuracy of people on the internet! Oh, wait…

So after I posted about how awesome our baby is and how he sleeps through the night we hit teething. The same weekend he got his 6 month shots. Boy is this fun! There is much pacing back and forth with a somewhat whiny baby, which is preferable to the constant whining/screaming that takes place if we stop pacing/dare to sit down. I’m hoping that it will be a short period of this, because seriously. He’s still “sleeping through the night” in terms of not getting up and eating or anything, but he’s been waking up several times and we need to go give him his pacifier back so that he can go back to sleep. This is what I get for talking about how great he’s been. And we still don’t have it bad; I know that. And I’m knocking on wood, crossing my fingers and shutting up about it right now in hopes that it will not get bad.

We’ve begun “solids,” although they are all purees so far, so not really solid at all. He’s had peas and sweet potatoes. He seems to like both, although he likes the spoon a lot too. We have been doing it kind of off and on, since he’s been feeling so rough lately. I bought some fruit at the store last night, so we’ll try some of that soon.

I also purchased some teething tablets at the store. They are homeopathic! I thought I was being such a good mom, trying to avoid that darn baby tylenol (although we have been giving him a small dose of it occassionally; especially to help him get to sleep). Then I got an email from my aunt, letting me know that there is a possible link between Hyland’s teething tablets and infant botulism (a couple sources come up when you google it, but nothing from the company or any news source). It’s not for sure yet, and there are only a couple cases of it on the east coast, but that is definitely NOT something I want to add to the current list of issues, so we’ll be returning the tablets and asking the doctor about infant Motrin (my other aunt says this works better for her kids).

In non-baby news…there isn’t much. It’s my birthday next week, so I guess that’s exciting. I’m turning 30. Yikes! I’m not too upset about it. It’s just weird. We don’t have any plans that I’m aware of. Every year this happens. I don’t make plans, and then my birthday gets here and we aren’t doing anything and it’s kind of a (very minor) let-down. I should know better and just make some darn plans already. Jeebus. They don’t have to be extensive. Just dinner out with friends sounds good to me.

I suppose that means I should stop writing and start emailing, huh?