When I was pregnant with James I had many of the same wants as Kelly. I had a more formal birth plan, but I went into it KNOWING that there are things that happen during labor that you can’t control, and trying to be open to going with the flow. But when it came to how I wanted James to be cared for after he was born, both Ryan and I were set. We didn’t want him to get the eye goop, we didn’t want the Hep B vaccine right away, we didn’t want him to have formula or a pacifier. I wanted to breast feed him right away, and spend time holding him before they took him to clean him off. We wanted him to stay with us in our room most of the time.

Even writing that out is making the tears well up. To say things didn’t go according to plan would be a big understatement. And it’s not that I had a bad hospital experience, even. I really liked my nurses; I had great access to lactation consultants, and because I had a c-section we were in the hospital longer than normal and so I could see them for a longer time-period.

But that c-section. That was the biggest thing that didn’t go my way. Even though at the time I was actually relieved when they suggested it, and even though I still think that’s what it had to come down to, I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself, because my body couldn’t do what it was supposed to; disappointed in myself for not doing enough to get the baby moving; disappointed in my doctor (who I like otherwise) for not allowing me to try pushing while using the squat bar when it was becoming apparent things weren’t working and Ryan asked about it (Because, she said, she would basically have to sit on the floor. Well, excuse me. I’m sorry that you might have to sit on the floor so that I don’t have to get my stomach cut open, have drugs pumped into me that I had so far gone without (by choice), and miss the first couple hours of my son’s life). As you can see, I’m still a little lot bitter. I was a good patient; I walked the halls, let them put an IV in my hand just in case, and tried everything the nurses suggested for laboring. The only thing I really balked at was when they wanted to hook up a pitocin drip (at the very end, as a last resort). I was so close, and I knew the reputation it had of making labor unbearably hard. I didn’t want it. But my mom helped convince me that it was my last shot at having the baby without surgery, and I still think she was right. It’s too bad it didn’t work out that way, but it was worth a shot. Oh, and they are right. That not only ramped up the frequency of my contractions (there wasn’t a break any more), it made them REALLY painful. Not that they didn’t hurt before, but this was crazy.

After James was born, they let Ryan cut the cord (as much as you can when he was born via surgery), and I got to see him before they took him upstairs and I was glued back up and put in the recovery room. But I had to stay in recovery until the anesthesia wore off, and it took longer than expected. When I finally got to see and hold James he was already an hour or two old, and I couldn’t sit up at all. I had planned on him staying in our room with us pretty much all the time, but since I couldn’t even get out of bed that first night and morning, they took him to the nursery and brought him back when he was hungry. When the nurses started to say he was losing too much weight I was worried. They suggested supplementing with formula after nursing and pumping (they had me pumping after nursing before I even left the hospital, and for a week or two after). Just a tiny bit, and from a little rubber cup instead of a bottle, but I still felt like a failure. One day when Ryan and I brought him to the nursery at bed time (they had convinced us it was better for us to get sleep when we could…we were so easily persuaded) the nurse asked if they could give him a pacifier. I said no right away, and she started to tell me that it was really for our benefit; that he was very oral and it would help so that I could get some sleep instead of having to nurse him all the time (the night before he had nursed for 2 hours straight at one point). I was already so worried about everything else that we had done or had to do that was going to make breastfeeding harder, and everything you read says that you shouldn’t give your baby a pacifier in the hospital if you want to breastfeed. I was also still exhausted from the surgery and the long labor. I started freaking out. Ryan calmed me, and told me that it wouldn’t be a big deal. We let them give him a pacifier. It ended up being ok, but I sometimes wonder if breastfeeding would have been easier for me at the beginning if I hadn’t done any one of these things. Many of them I didn’t have a choice about (the c-section, in particular – he was definitely stuck), but some I did. And some I still don’t know if I had a choice or not (the supplemental feeding).

In the end we had a healthy baby, even if he did lose “too much” weight at first. From what I read that is pretty normal for big babies; it takes more calories to sustain that higher weight, and so they tend to lose a little more of it, percentage-wise. But to listen to the nurses talk he was wasting away. I cried more about that than anything those first couple weeks, even though his diapers were always great and he was never jaundiced. He is still breastfeeding, and I eventually healed from the surgery. Everything “worked out.” Except my emotions about how it happened. And now, every time I hear about someone giving birth, whether it is the birth of their dreams or a nightmare, it brings all those feelings to the surface. And I wonder how things will go next time. The OB that did my surgery (not my regular doctor) says that I can “try” for a vaginal birth next time, but that I’ll probably have to have another c-section. My doctor said that I could try for a vaginal delivery, but that she couldn’t be there for it (she’s a family practitioner, and doesn’t have the insurance the hospital requires for that kind of a delivery), and she sounded pretty dubious as to whether or not it would work. I’m inclined to disagree with them. I know they are the medical professionals and I’m not, but I just don’t feel like that is the case. James was facing an awkward direction and wasn’t as far down in the birth canal as they would have liked to begin with. If those things don’t happen with my next one, I’m confident I can do this the “natural” way. It would also help if it didn’t take 3 days of labor to get to the pushing part.

I really truly hope that TJ’s birth and post-birth go as she wants. I think they SHOULD go as the mother (and father) want, within reason, obviously. I hope she has the courage to stand up to people who try to tell her things that she knows are just scare tactics. And above all of that, I hope she doesn’t have to worry about it. That things just go smoothly and that no one even tries to put those pressures on her. I think she’s right, in that many people worry about being taken seriously. We all feel like the doctors are the authority, and if they say something different from what we wanted it seems like they are basically saying we are wrong. But doctors are not infallible, no matter what they would like you to believe.

• This bra for pumping. Seriously; best. invention. ever. Before I had that thing I would detest pumping so much. I was stuck, feeling like a cow (both weight-wise and because of the pumping), and sitting in the living room half naked (it was easier to just take my shirt off than to try to hold it out of the way). It sucked. I searched online and bought this thing, and it has been a life-saver. It makes pumping truly hands free, and is super-adjustable and comfortable and makes me feel at least mostly covered up. I still wouldn’t go pump in front of other people, but it has brought pumping up from something that I absolutely dread to something that is annoying but tolerable. If you are going to be pumping at work especially, you should get this bra. Seriously.
• The Boppy (and an extra slipcover so you have one while the other is being washed). I haven’t tried any of the other pillows like this, and when I first tried it I didn’t think I liked it, but it became my best friend. Especially helpful for holding baby while nursing when others are over; it hides your belly well.
• These nursing tanks from Target. The ”side sling” ones, not the “full sling” ones they sell in the store. I have a feeling it’s because of my big boobs, but the ones in the store don’t fit well. These are great for layering, and then your flabby post-baby belly isn’t hanging out for all to see if you are nursing in public.
• My Droid phone. I lost my cell phone last January, and Verizon was nice enough to let me upgrade early (my contract wasn’t up until September). I got the HTC Droid Eris, and thank goodness, because if it hadn’t been for that phone I wouldn’t have gotten back online until I started working again. I used it to check facebook, email people, and take pictures of my adorable baby. It was a life-saver. I didn’t have room on my lap for a computer, and I was pretty much planted in our lazy boy rocking chair. Also, I didn’t feel like going to the work of starting up a regular computer. It was all I could do to go to the bathroom and maybe shower or get myself something to eat most days.
• Our travel system (we got ours on clearance at Target). I know it’s not a fancy stroller for jogging or whatever, but it was so convenient to be able to put James in his car seat in the apartment and then just plop the whole thing in the stroller and go for a walk. We did a lot of walking early on in the summer, and we put many miles on the stroller and it is still is great shape. And now that he’s too big for the infant carrier and can sit up on his own he likes the stroller. He can see everything that is going on. I do wish we had a little umbrella stroller for when we go to places like Gooseberry (those hills/stairs are killer hauling this thing around), but if you are only going to have one stroller I would definitely argue that this is the way to go.
• The car seat cover we had for when he was an infant. Ours was kind of like this one, but without the zippers. It was great when James was a little baby because we didn’t have to put him in a big coat and stuff to bring him out. We just dressed him in normal winter layers and then threw the cover over him (and maybe a blanket in between, if it was really cold). It meant that he didn’t get overly warm when we went inside somewhere, because we just pulled the cover off.
• Also, I have to mention, these diapers have been AWESOME. They are so easy to use, and we haven’t had any problems finding daycares that will use them. The few times I’ve had to buy disposable diapers have made me so thankful we decided to go with cloth. It was a large initial investment, but it’s definitely paid off!

In reviewing this list, it looks like a lot of my favorite things were related to breastfeeding. That makes sense, because you do a LOT of it, and anything you can do to make it easier is appreciated. I also have a pump that I love. Actually, I have 2 of them because my aunt is awesome and sent me one that she had so that I have one for work and one for home; that was GREAT when I was trying to build up my supply before our cruise. I still use it sometimes, if I’m not able to get a 2nd pumping session in while I’m at work. My pump was covered by my health insurance. Or at least it would have been if I had already met my deductible for the year when I bought it. But it went towards the deductible, which is still helpful.

Some things that we “got” that weren’t actual “things” but were still invaluable: people who would come over and do our dishes (Ryan’s parents have done this more than once when they are up, and it makes me love them even more every time). Dishes pile up so quickly anyway, and when you are dealing with a new baby they are the last thing on your priority list (until you don’t have any clean ones). Our neighbors Chris & Serina and our friend Sam, who made or bought dinner for us when we were still figuring things out. People who emailed or commented on facebook to say they were thinking about us and asking how things were going. The internet is a great thing when you are going through something as wonderful but as hard as having a new baby around. There are tons and tons of other people who have gone through it recently or are going through it at the same time as you. Even if you don’t get anything in the way of advice from them, it’s nice to know you aren’t alone.

I think that’s about it. Of course we loved the little clothes and the toys, and the nightlight in James’s room has been invaluable to our shins, but these were the things that really stood out for me as something I didn’t know if we would like/use, but became very well-loved.

What are/were your favorite things from when you had a little one around?

Thanksgiving weekend - 2009 Look at those little shoes!

Another baby shower Thanksgiving weekend, 2009

This year:

End of August, 2010

A repeat from the other day, but apparently I don't get photos taken of myself any more!

June, 2010 (photo by my friend, Adrienne)

I look a little chubbier, and not so pregnant glowy. My clothes don’t fit, and unlike when I was pregnant, I’m not excited about buying them to fit my changing body. But I have this beautiful baby boy to show for it. And he is so worth the body image issues.

I don’t cry as easily, and I try to be less judgmental. But I am not as patient as I would like. I’m more focused on figuring out what I want to DO with my life, because I want to set a good example for my son, and the job I’m in now isn’t helping me be a better person (there will be a more elaborate post on that issue coming).

I’m much less sure of myself, but I’m so much more proud of what I’m able to do, and (most of) the decisions I make.

I don’t sleep as much, but I fall asleep faster and treasure what I do get more.

Overall, I think I’m a better person. I think I’ve found the thing that I always wanted to do. It’s too bad you don’t get paid money for it.

I’ve been a little “nesty” although not much. I have lots of plans of things I would like to get done, but my motivation doesn’t last long. I warned my mom that if we have the baby this weekend there is a good chance she will come to our house and there will be boxes of books everywhere (we sorted through them and are donating/selling a bunch).

Work has been kind of crazy lately; we switched over to a new system for managing customer information, but we were “down” for a month in between systems and the new one is very different from the old one, so it’s a learning process while we try to catch up with all the stuff that got done but not entered in the system during the month. It’s been pretty stressful for everyone, and that’s part of the reason that today will be my last day at work until May. My blood pressure has been just a little elevated at my last 2 appointments, and I’m pretty sure that the work stuff had at least a little to do with it. Our pay period ends on Monday, and I have a day of vacation left, so I’ll be taking it to get my full paycheck, but I’m technically done as of today. So that’s exciting; especially because it means that besides the donuts I brought to work there are more donuts from someone else and cookies from another person. We like sweets around here; what can I say?

I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Tuesday, and if I make it that far we’ll be scheduling an induction for later that week. Hopefully it won’t come to that (do you hear that, baby?). I don’t mind the waiting; I just don’t want to be medically induced if I don’t have to (but I don’t want to be pregnant for another 2 weeks, either). All that is to say, we should for sure have a baby by next weekend!

None of this seems real; even with the baby stuff everywhere and this huge belly and the weekly appointments and putting the car seat in the truck (it’s that or I have to drive everywhere and Ryan has to sit in the back seat of the car because the seats need to be so far forward)…even with all of that it doesn’t seem real. I’m sure it will become real very shortly, though. And I can’t wait!

I had to laugh at the weather guy this morning. I like this guy; he doesn’t have a weird shtick or make lame jokes (usually), and he can speak well on television (no small feat for some people). The reason he cracked me up was more about our expectations and feelings about what constitutes “nice” weather in Minnesota in February.

*While the television is showing that the current temperature is -5* “It’s going to be a nice day today!” – Why do I have trouble believing this right now?

“The wind is blowing a little around the lake shore, causing windchill factors only 5-10* lower than the actual temperature, so we aren’t getting into the -20′s, -30′s, or even the dangerous -40′s.” – Yes, -40′s are dangerous, but he made it sound like the other temperatures were decent as long as you didn’t get THAT low. And the fact that we wouldn’t be surprised if the windchill factor was that bad…well, I don’t know why we all continue to live here. My coworkers say it keeps the riff-raff out. I have my doubts.

“The air is trying to move toward the lake because the air above the lake is in the 20′s and 30′s due to that NICE WARM LAKE WATER.” [Emphasis mine] HAHAHAHAHAHA. The same lake that in August will turn your feet blue in seconds and has people surfing and using jet skis in wetsuits all summer long. Compared to the air temps I guess it is warm, but the fact that anyone says Lake Superior ever has “nice, warm lake water” cracks me up.

Rereading this it occurs to me that it’s probably not as amusing to anyone else as it was in my head. I think that happens to me a lot. Unfortunately for you, it’s what I’ve got this morning. I got up at 5 so that I could go into work early because I have a LOT of stuff I want to get done before the baby comes and I don’t want to chance leaving it over the weekend. So I’m a little tired, a little spacey from the last weeks of pregnancy (or maybe I’m always a little spacey – but I’m blaming it on the pregnancy while I can), and already thinking about work. My judgment of what is funny is not to be trusted.

Except for this: this is funny. And I will be printing out her pain chart to bring with me to the hospital so that when someone asks me how much it hurts I can point to one of these faces.

The day you deliver, outside will be cold. Your baby will arrive in the early morning. After a labor lasting approximately 15 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 15 pounds, 6 ounces, and will be 22-1/2 inches long. This child will have light violet eyes and curly black hair.

Oh, and considering Ryan is fair-haired and I was blond when I was little and have darkish brown hair now I find it hard to believe our child will have black hair. But this came from the internet, and the internet never lies, right? Anyway, I thought I should give you all the information just in case anyone wants to change their guess. And if you haven’t guessed you can still do so – right up until the baby comes.

In other pregnancy news, there isn’t really any. I think I’ve finally hit the point where I am pretty much ready to be done, although I’m definitely willing to wait as long as necessary (unlike the girl on the forum I read who was asking how to break her own water. Um, WHAT? Yikes…). My back is sore, I can’t sleep or turn over in bed without major issues any more, it’s getting harder and harder for me to get out of chairs/the couch/any seated position, and putting on my socks is becoming such an ordeal that I’ve considered going barefoot. In February in Minnesota. But, all that being said I know I still have it pretty good. My back pain/trouble sleeping is nothing compared to a lot of people, and the rest is mostly just inconvenience. I’ll be ok. I’ll just be very excited to have it all over with at some point.

Ryan and I bought a chest freezer from a local appliance store about 2 1/2 weeks ago. It’s one of those ding/scratch places, and the freezer we bought had a damaged lid; it was so badly damaged that it wouldn’t seal (it looked like someone set a forklift down on the lid), but they had one on order to replace it, and they sold it to us for a good price.

We haven’t heard from the appliance place other than when we called a couple times to ask about it, even though both times we asked that they keep us updated. Last we heard (when I called last week) they had gotten a lid in, but the company shipped the wrong color so they had to send it back and were waiting for another one. Today, they called and said that there is a 2 week back order on the freezer lids (apparently they are in high demand??), and they have offered to give us a different freezer instead. However, this one has “some dings on the sides and the top.” The other one, once the lid was replaced, would have looked perfect.

We are going to the store tonight to take a look at the replacement offer, but my question is this; if we decide to take it, should we haggle for a better price, considering it has taken them 2 1/2 weeks to get anything to us and this one is more damaged than the one we agreed to buy? Or should we suck it up and realize that we got a good deal in the first place? We won’t be taking it if it’s too beat up looking, because it will be living in our kitchen until spring (which could be sometime in May the way things go around here).

I’m not a good negotiator, and I don’t have a good sense of what’s fair in these kinds of situations. And part of my problem is that the reason we bought a freezer when we did was so that we could freeze some meals before the baby comes. If we have to wait another 2 weeks it will probably be too late to do much (or any) cooking ahead. But that’s not the store’s fault, so I don’t know if it should count in my reasoning.

So, wise internet, what are your thoughts on the whole thing?

UPDATE: We took the replacement freezer. It was in pretty good shape (just some minor denting on the side; no scratches), and they were selling it for more than the one we bought, but gave it to us for the same price. Obviously (I’m not that much of a pushover). So now our fridge freezer and the chest freezer look pretty empty, but we have the space to make up some extra food. Now we just need to find the motivation to make this food.