I got another job. A better job, by far, for me. Especially at this point in my life. I work for a promotional products company, and the atmosphere is relaxed and the people are awesome and funny and friendly, and I think that I will be good at the job. I started in mid-October, so I’m still learning, but I think it’s going well.

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We’ve had a busy fall, and things are just getting going. We were in the cities the past 2 weekends, and we have to go down this weekend again for a family wedding on Ryan’s side. That’s a lot of traveling to the cities (or Rochester, in one case). James has spent a lot of time with his Auntie Lisa and Grandma and Grandpa on that side, that’s for sure. We are home the weekend after this coming one, and then it’s Thanksgiving, which is in Roseau this year. More driving.

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Halloween was fun this year, although our costumes were not as high caliber as years’ past. Ryan was some kind of crazy, murderous doctor, and I was one of those pictures where they eyes follow you around. Needless to say we didn’t win the costume contest. James was a cowboy for halloween. When you would tell him he was a cowboy he would say “Moooooo!” HAHAHA. That was fun. He was a little unsure of trick-or-treating, but by the end of the night he got the hang of it and enjoyed himself. It helped that we were with our friends/neighbors, and their son had done some trick or treating the weekend before with family, so he knew what was going on.

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What else is going on in my life? Hmm. Not much. I’m working, Ryan is working, James is going to daycare/staying with our friends during the week. It’s Ryan’s birthday this week, so we’ll go out for dinner for that. It’s kind of a laid-back year for birthdays for us. By necessity in part (since I was unemployed for a month and a half), but it’s good. It’s also going to be a small year for Christmas, but I am hoping to do some hand-made gifts (I love you, Pinterest), so that will be fun.

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(This section was written on the Friday of Labor Day weekend, the day it happened)

I was let go today, after 6 1/2 years with my company. 5 of those years I did great work. I was a HARD worker. I picked up on things quickly. I didn’t mess around, other than a little water cooler talk here and there. Then, I got pregnant, and had a baby. And from that point on, things were not the same. I still worked hard, but I spent more and more time doing non-work things during work hours. Mostly reading blogs or visiting facebook. If someone else had told me they were doing those things at their job I would have judged them as lazy. I would have said “You are going to get fired. You need to stop doing that.” And I would have assumed that if they didn’t stop that they were stupid. That they were arrogant to believe that it wasn’t a big deal. Probably I would have thought “They deserved it,” if I heard they got fired. And I would have been right. Kind of.

As you always find out when you are on the other side of something that is being judged, there is no such thing as a black and white world. Yes, a person who does personal business while being paid is doing something wrong. That part IS black and white. But I still don’t think of myself as lazy, despite what all of you might think. Improperly motivated, yes. Naive (maybe stupid) about thinking that I could do my job just as well while visiting the internet in between tasks as if I wasn’t? Definitely. But not lazy, and I also don’t think that I am bereft of morals about the workplace either. I know what hard work is. I would imagine that my family is almost as mortified as I am that they raised a daughter who was fired for something so…stupid. But there it is. The fact that when the issue was brought to my attention last spring and I fixed the workload part of it is beside the point, I guess. I no longer read blogs while I was at work, and I cut back on the other stuff too. My former employer focused in on the visiting non-work related sites by itself, and that is their prerogative.

So, where do I go from here? What kind of a job do I look for? Will I be able to even FIND a job, in this economy, with this black mark against me? I don’t know. I sure hope that I can find a job. In the interim one that pays the bills, but I’m hoping to use this opportunity to do something that I should have been more proactive about. I have known for quite a while that this job was not a permanent one for me. Now that I’m not there, I can honestly say that I had grown to hate my job. I have written about it here before. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I let fear of choosing wrong/not getting the job I wanted stop me from pursuing something different.

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(Back to present day)

In the couple weeks since this happened, I have been staying home with James. It has been wonderful and frustrating and awesome and horrible, sometimes in quick succession. Today, for instance, we had a great time this morning down at the canal, watching boats come in and go out, and touring the museum. Then, he had a doctor’s appointment that went great (29lbs, 33 inches), and then we went home. And he wouldn’t nap. And he was being a terror. Finally I realized I should just put him in the car and go for a drive, because he’d probably pass out. So I did. He slept for maybe an hour. I read in the parking lot at the mall. When we got home he was mostly great. Until he hit me HARD in the face with a hard plastic toy. Intentionally, because I wasn’t looking at him when he wanted me to. That was probably the 4th time-out for today, and there was no prior warning on it. Some things do not require a warning, I think. But nothing makes me feel like a terrible mother like admitting that I gave my 19 month old 4 time-outs in one day. They aren’t long, but I am unsure what else I am supposed to do when he intentionally throws food or bites me/tries to bite me repeatedly.

Thankfully, days like today are not the norm. He is usually a really good kid. And so I can say wholeheartedly that I am glad to be spending this time with him at home while I look for another job and figure out what I want to do next.

I feel like a wimp. So many people run and don’t have problems like this, and I wasn’t running that hard. I feel like it’s ridiculous that I am in this much pain for this long. That people probably think I’m either faking it or making it seem worse than it is. I hate that idea. I want to be better.

My other knee and back have started to bother me a little because of how I’m compensating for my left knee. I’m not really sure what to do about that other than try to maintain good posture and stay off my knee. Wearing the brace seems to help some too, as I don’t limp as badly.

Anyway, sorry for dumping all of this. I said earlier today, someone needs to start an email address where you can send all your whiney messages and they just get trashed. I can’t email myself because I know that I’m just talking to myself. It doesn’t work. And I don’t want to direct this whining toward anyone who would feel obligated to read what I say. So I’m dumping it here instead.

Other than that, there isn’t much going on around here. I’ve been rendered lame, and Ryan’s been taking care of me and James. Good thing we have him around here. James is being a typical 18 month old (it still boggles my mind that he’s that old already). He is alternately adorable, hysterical, and immensely frustrating. Sometimes he is all 3 at once.

On a closing note, what is with all the mosquitoes in our house this summer? We’ve never had this problem before, and they are positively annoying. Ryan thinks they might be coming in where the air conditioner is attached. Wherever they are coming in, it’ll be closed up soon enough. The evenings are getting cooler and the daytime temps are coming down, slowly but surely. Fall is coming. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about that. On the one hand, football, chili, hot cider, pretty leaves, snuggling under blankets. On the other hand, end of camping weather (for me, anyway), less amenable weather to being outside with a toddler, and daylight is leaking away.

Hmmm…other news. Not much to report. I just watched Precious tonight. I had wanted to see it, but it wasn’t something Ryan was really interested in. He had to go to work for a while, so I put it on. It was horrifying, but I’m glad I watched it. If you haven’t seen it, I would recommend it. But know going in that it’s a very sad story.

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I just finished The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which I thought was great non-fiction. It’s about a black woman who had cancer in the 50s, and scientists took some of her cancer cells and have used them in millions of types of research since then. They were the first human cells that could be grown in culture (all others would die after a few days away from the person who they came from). It was horrible in some ways; reading about the things scientists and doctors did to patients back then because it was just standard practice, and thinking about how sad it is that this woman contributed so much to society, but her kids and grandkids can’t afford health care. I would highly recommend it.

I also tried reading some HP Lovecraft, because I LOVE Stephen King, and HP Lovecraft is supposed to be like the grandfather of horror stories. I liked the short stories in the book I had, but I had so many other things going on, and because it was older it was a little harder to read, so I didn’t finish it before it had to go back to the library. Maybe another time.

The 3rd book I just finished reading was The Psychopath Test, by Jon Ronson. It is also a non-fiction book, and centers around the Psychopath Test as developed by Bob Hare. It’s a really fascinating book about mental illness and our perceptions of other people’s mental illnesses. Also, it confirms what we all “know;” psychopaths are freaking creepy! They don’t experience fear. They are reoffenders. And they are charming.

The book for September’s book club is A Visit From The Goon Squad, which I’ve heard mixed reviews about, but should be interesting. I can’t make it next month (family wedding shower), but I’ll still read the book. What else am I reading/do I want to read? Hmm…I have a Stephen King book that just hasn’t made it to the top of my pile, due to book club and stuff I had on hold at the library. That might be my next project.

What are you reading? Anything you would recommend?

The blog sent someone to rough me up.

Or, I may have tripped stepping into a boat last weekend and this is what the damage looks like 4 days later.

Either way, I promise to be back on a more regular basis. I missed this (and James has grown a ton, as you can see…maybe…under all that dirt).

Ps. We had a great time camping; injuries aside.

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA on the blog for so long. Between the changes at work and life in general I haven’t had a lot of time to come back here, which makes me sad. Also, even though there are constantly things running through my mind during the day that I wonder or want to talk about, none of them are really enough for an entire blog entry. And then when I finally get a chance to sit down and write something, nothing comes to mind, and I end up wasting the time checking facebook or catching up on the 100+ items in my Google Reader instead of writing.

Things are going well at work. We launched a new company website this week, and I think it’s a pretty big improvement over the last one. One of the features on the new site is a blog, and I’ve asked to be involved with that. I think that will be a fun project. If you have any insurance questions/issues you have wondered about or want to discuss, please let me know! We’ll be constantly looking for ideas. I think sometimes we’ll tackle current events (how would an event like the nuclear reactor meltdown affect your business if you were in the evacuation zone, and would there be coverage?), and sometimes we’ll talk about insurance concepts in general (what is Professional Liability insurance, and do I need it?). My contributions will probably center around business insurance topics, and other people will write about personal insurance topics.

Other than that, things are going well. James is going through a phase where he thinks it’s fun to scream at things, and boy does he have some good lungs. We are working on getting him to use his inside voice, but I know it’s important for him to experiment with making different sounds, so we are also trying to let him do that some times. He also has started biting me occassionally again…I think his upper molars must be coming in (he’s been in a MOOD in the evenings lately). He’s still pretty adorable most of the time, though. This morning while Ryan was changing his diaper and getting him dressed he would make a noise to James, and James would repeat it back to him (rolling his tongue, making a “ba” or “tuh” sound, etc). One step closer to talking.

He runs all over the place now, and is very independent. Last night we went to Barnes & Noble, and he did not want to hold my hand or be held in the parking lot; he wanted to walk on his own (or swagger, I should say). Of course that’s not safe in the mall parking lot, so I carried him screaming into the building. But after that he had a lot of fun playing in the kids’ section with his friend Odin.

He also LOVES to read books. He will sit and look at a book from beginning to end and then back again over and over, and he will take a book and bring it to us and ask to sit in our lap so we can read it to him. He gets very angry if we can’t drop whatever we are doing to read, but we are working on patience. It’s hard when he doesn’t realize that the world doesn’t revolve around him (which is a developmental thing; he won’t realize that until about 18 months or so).  His favorite books lately are The Big Red Barn, Bunny My Honey, and The Itsy Bitsy Spider (because I sing the song).

He is some kind of crazy dancing kid. He will sway back and forth or bounce up and down whenever he hears a good beat (last night he was sitting on the floor when James Durban was singing on American Idol, and he went crazy rocking back and forth to that drum beat).

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That’s about it for news around these parts. We went to Ryan’s parents’ place last weekend, and we plan on going to Roseau for Mothers Day weekend, as long as Ryan’s not on call. I hope not; I would love to get up there to visit soon!

That conversation was really really difficult for me to have, but I feel so much better knowing that it is all out there. My boss is relatively happy because now he knows what my deal is (he had noticed that something was off). I have taken some steps to increase my productivity, and I feel better about being at work in general because I am not worried about what I’m going to tell my boss if/when something else comes up. Obviously he wants to know if I am seriously job hunting, but since I’m not currently it’s not an issue.

It is nice to work somewhere with this kind of culture; where I’m not afraid for my job by telling my boss that I don’t want to be there forever, and where he wants to work with me to figure things out. I feel like I’m in a much better place about all of this than I was a couple weeks ago.

All of that being said, one of the main things I have done is made a rule for myself that I cannot read blogs while I am at work; not even my own. During lunch, if I’m not working out, but otherwise nothing. It is too easy to get sucked in and waste too many minutes that I should be doing other stuff. This means that my Google reader consistently has upwards of 50 unread items in it, and as you can see, our blog hasn’t been updated in a while. I will try to take some time in the evenings to update it, but until James starts sleeping better that’s not a promise.

I know some people don’t like performance appraisals; my aunt Marcia just did a blog post about how much she dislikes them. But for me it is a chance for my boss to tell me the things I’m doing well and the things that I could improve. I sometimes *think* that I know the two, but I’m never sure. Especially when it comes to someone else’s perception. Plus, they usually involve a raise, and that’s always good news. ;-)

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I want to change some of the circumstances of my life. For the most part, I have a pretty awesome life. A good husband and beautiful son (even if he’s a little shit once in a while); a place to live, with friends nearby; a great family (on my side and my husband’s side). But I am dissatisfied with my day-to-day work. Some days are better than others. Some days I think it’s no big deal; that I could go on doing this job until something better lands in my lap. Today is one of those days. Other days I feel like if I don’t get out of here right now I’m going to scream, and it’s hard for me to keep motivated and doing my job. I find myself daydreaming about what I want to do, when I should be working. I’ve gotten a better handle on that recently, but it still happens at times, and I don’t like it. I’ve always prided myself on having a good work ethic, and I hate the idea that I’m not doing my best. But I don’t know that I can mentally give my best here all the time anymore. On bad days my coworkers annoy me, my bosses seem like they aren’t satisfied with anything I do (even if I do my best), and I wonder how feasible it would be for me to just quit. Let me tell you; it’s not feasible. I cannot quit my job (even though about half of my paycheck goes to pay for daycare). At least not at this point.

I have been talking a lot to my family about changing careers; what I might be good at, and where my strengths lie. One thing is very clear to me; even if I stay at my current workplace, I will never move forward from where I am. The next step “up” is a sales position, and I am NOT GOOD at sales (I don’t enjoy doing sales either). So this is a dead end for me. It definitely plays into how I feel about my job in general.

Some of the suggested jobs that I have heard involve working with women and babies in some way (doula or lactaction consultant, for instance); teacher/instructor of some sort; advocate for those less fortunate; or working in some sort of non-profit in another facility. All of these appeal to me in some ways. Some are more feasible than others. Marie Green was willing to email me with some information about being a doula, and it became clear pretty quickly that while that would be an awesome job it would be very difficult/impossible for it to be my only job. And being a lactation consultant in this area would require a nursing degree as well (in order to make it a full-time job). I have thought about working in the non-profit sector. I worry occasionally that it would affect me too much. I tend to absorb the emotions of the people around me, and if I was surrounded by people who are downtrodden most of the day I think that would carry over for me into the rest of my life. But maybe it wouldn’t. It is possible that I might find joy in knowing that I was helping them. I don’t know. But there are a lot of ways I could work with non-profits that don’t involve having “customer” contact daily. I actually work with several non-profits in my current job, which has been nice for getting to know them.

I just saw this on Ask Carolyn [Hax] on the Washington Post, and it is, I think, what I am most worried about with this whole thing:

I have to get going, and want to post something, so I’m leaving this for now. I’ll revisit it later.

We are driving home right now. The weather people had been predicting 2-4″ of snow, with flurries off & on. As you can see from the photo, this is not a flurry. The roads aren’t terrible, but they sure aren’t good.

The other photos are from the small birthday celebration we had this morning for James. Fruit cocktail upside down cake (Yum!) and a farm toy and animals. He later got a super-cute barn that my grandparents made to hold the animals and stuff. I love it, and I think he will too.

I have pictures from the snowmobile races we went up to see on the camera, and will add them later.

Has anyone invented a teleporting machine yet so we can shorten this drive?